When all within me
Is left open,
Open to the winds of change,
Open to be more receptive
Of each approaching moment,
Open to live curiously,
Open to love without condition,
Open to accept without being matched
Or competed with,
for whatever unspoken expectations
Beginning within me to reveal my next lesson,
My next expansion to install,
to release, to move through,
Grow from, outgrow through, allowed…
To be more open,
Etching from places within me,
Some I knew, some I didn’t know of,
Some that came from split trees, literally uprooted,
Shards and fragments of trauma leftover
Shattering, somewhat shocking truths...
Left open by suppression,
Left open by convincing myself it wasn’t there,
Left open by fault finding, shaming, blaming,
Left open by trying to force healing,
Left open by my own dis-ownership,
Left open by replays mentally,
Left open by choosing to not really see,
To expose but paint over,
Sometimes even repaint under false
Sometimes because I could not fathom
Sometimes ruled by my experiential filters
Within victim and survival mode,
Accidentally left open,
But still, no matter the outer or inner conflict.
Always trying to appear calm, cool, collected,
Un-phased, numbing, zombie like,
Out of body, dissociative in the sense,
To act like I was fine, okay.
All of it was a facade, that left me
In an almost involuntary open,
Vulnerably, sheepishly the wolf,
Because of all that abuse,
Or misuse, the mistreatment
I gave permission to myself,
To allow, to punish myself,
To allow others opinions and points of view
Be my dictation.
I was left brutally open,
To be stolen,
I didn’t realize that loving myself,
Entirely was to come with boundaries,
Because I thought that was what “Open,”
Meant to have none….
Before I learned what courage
Was, before I knew that I could like myself,
Let alone even love all the parts.
I believed through which I learned,
And lived through I was only here to be alienated,
Destructed, mocked, abused,
Manipulated, guilt-ed, shamed,
Humiliated, rejected, neglected,
Who I was, was not up to par,
Who I was, was meant to be taken
Who I was, was not up to me.
I was constantly called a slut,
A whore, before I even understood what it meant.
Worse of all, the people who were supposed
To love me unconditional,
Throughout my upbringing,
Came with a massive written,
Yelling, hitting list of what was accepted,
What was not.
I didn’t have my own
Internal boundaries to be prescribed by myself,
I was told how to live,
By dysfunctional and retaliation type of people.
Open as to follow what mandatory examples I had,
I grew up accepting their normal,
While they were trying to heal, do better, get better,
Or at least their choosing to act like it.
I can not and will not speak up for them,
Or protect them, or cover their assets...
I am simply revealing the other,
Darker beautiful, that pushed, pulled, tore me up,
Until I could love and appreciate,
Both parts, the entire picture.
The wholeness that became who I got
Tired of being, the who I decided,
In whole action, thought, heart, listening,
Speaking nature, to walk away from,
as to hear my own self better,
to transmute these restrictions,
These things I let define me.
Be changed by my own living definitions,
Allowing all that previous sacred but scared,
And scarred openness become freed.
As much of it was no longer relevant,
Because I wasn’t being who they wanted me to be,
To play my part, is their sickness,
Was mine too for awhile,
I chose it, and continue to know better,
Get better, do better….
I see the wisdom in every part, shred, layer,
Perception, understanding better,
Learning better, knowing I don’t know everything,
That was the most important and hardest thing
For me to grow from, heal from,
Positively charged by evolution,
Instead of living so heavily guarded,
By conditions, expectations, eggshell walking,
people/family pleasing, denying, rejecting,
Alienating myself as to appease and comfort
Anyone but myself, because that is what
They think is right to do, the only way to live,
As I am supposed to change my direction,
As they want me to hold their experiences,
Their issues, their shame, as all of mine,
As I am not to have my own experiences,
My own paths, my own ways, just to live
because their entitlement was what
supposively, I needed to spend the rest of my life,
living up too and through.
I am open,
But not open to allow history,
Their history, my history to repeat.
All the opens I was before,
Became my stepping stones,
Even though some were the tightest of twisters,
Ravishing hurricanes, not detectable
Fires, wildfires, gas lit, ready to push me down,
So they look better…
Without pushing anyone down,
We can look, feel, hear, taste and be better,
By facing ourselves, our beliefs,
Our excuses, our neglect,
Our own defeats, sabotages,
Bearing ourselves open.
Open to realize what can be, because of boundaries,
Open to realize our own molds,
Open to realize and live our respect,
Our love, our honor, our lives, Unconditionally,
Without letting all that filth control us.
Freeing the suppression,
From controlling or dictating,
Unconsciously, or consciously,
Allowing to deconstruct,
Our now and future…
Choosing to understand,
Choosing to connect,
Choosing to stop holding onto what gives us misery,
Choosing to remain open,
Letting our evolution,
Change our definition of open,
Growing us, teaching us, still….
Healing is a daily practice,
Leaving ourselves open,
Can be very scary,
Can be overwhelming,
Can be what you allow or create it to be,
You can continue to keep yourself reactive,
To be boundary-less and reactivating wounds to complain
and do nothing about,
You can revel in taking your life,
Your process from reactivity
To responding, observing, reserving the right,
That if and when something doesn’t feel right,
you don't have to allow it, or put up with it!
Being committed enough to ourselves, our path,
Our walk, our pace, our hearts, Honoring
Our own definitions, our own damn truths,
Our own lessons learned,
& the ones we don’t know of yet.
Allowing ourselves to forever remain open,
Open and receptive to all the goodness
We contain, the world contains,
The goodness always coming our way now,
Because meanwhile shit hitting the fan,
Or learning that we were copycatting,
Or repeating beliefs that attracted misery
Because we were taught to accept this,
Was all there,
Left open, in the burial within us,
For us to unlearn, reconfigure,
To discover the beauty within,
Taking the masks off,
Having the guts to stay open,
While we will always be growing, as we still grow…
Owning our own,
Owning our open,
Placing good, healthy boundaries,
Thriving, still striving,
To be the change we need,
To change our world...
Serves our light better,
Gives, shares, and distributes illumination,
so others can find the beauty,
In loving our whole selves.
Even when we first believed
That being open, brings us to being targets..
May we begin to learn, to expand, to discover,
And reclaim what openness means to us.
Thought, and sensed by us,
Through the darkness,
Through the light,
Through the continuous shedding,
Of growing, out growing,
Becoming, who we came to this earth to be.
To live through, to rise through,
To begin, within a consistent renewing
Of who we think we are,
Who we know we are.
Into who we are always becoming,
More and more open,
To face, leave, maybe forgive,
To realize we can love and respect more openly,
Guided by boundaries,
Being freed unconditionally and thoroughly
Through the evolution of BEING open…
Always learning to be more open,
More receptive, more possible,
More love, more light,
More growing, more healing,
More of ourselves and the great divine,
Open as we were, to come here,
Get here, lead here, grow here,
To leave here with…
I leave myself Open,
I love myself open,
I respect myself open,
I lighten myself open,
I forgive myself open,
I let myself become,
More flexibly open.
All goodness is celebrating me,
Open, every step, every thought,
All I give opens,
Whether it be me,
Whether it be you,
All is here and filled with the purpose,
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror
I live to be replenished open,
To discover, open,
Even when closing,
I stay open,
Open as in to appreciate
What awe’s can be here,
And are to come...
Even though its raw & rough at times,
always learning to be ready,
discovering what ready is,
steadily readied on the purpose,
to be opened more,
Even when I am uncomfortable
I am open…
I am getting wiser!
I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for several years. Mom of four, Married and Hello, I am