 I wrote something just now, I'd like to share, that revealed itself earlier this morning that I discovered is another hurdle to overcome now...
Part One; *When something feels so foreign to me, like reaching out or like gifts, receiving without earning it, whether it be kindness, love, support or so forth. It's like I feel ashamed to have it, the whole not good enough splats into my whole being and the atmosphere around me. (which has much to do with how I was raised mind you) Once again, I feel like a lost child, while very much an adult... Trying to do something new, as simple as give and receive, without the internal dialog switching back into my parent's voice, "You should be ashamed of yourself or of," to ask for help, to give without ulterior motive, or to receive anything without working hard for it, labels flashback, "God Damn Melissa, you are such a mooch, piece of shit, you don't deserve any of this, without sacrifice. Look at all I have had to sacrifice for you." Clearly my upbringing in a single parent home, recovering from sexual/physical abuse on her behalf, while me surviving that too, really left many stains, many wounds, many burials, many scars..... I know better now, but I am still the lost child at times, still trying to regain all my abilities to overcome, in new light, new thoughts, new words, new processes, new acceptances, new awareness, new paths, new knowing, Just as right now I don't know everything still, which isn't a bad thing... But not knowing anything like all of my habits did before... I become unraveled, to become much better, much healthier...* It all connects, explains, makes sense now... full circle, why I have a hard time accepting and receiving love, and have combated the feeling of guilt all this time, like naively the undertone and feeling, I am not allowed to accept this, or have this, because I believed my birth parents, that this will always be unattainable, without hard work, without slaving myself away, without ever fitting nicely in their little box of ideals and expectations of me, I carried up with until yesterday never knowing why, I know why now… Part Two; 2-23-2020 10:03am central time I realize now that my programming, Was based in what I’d like to call, “Make parents happy, syndrome.” Like make everyone happy, Kind of slaving/serving, Coming from where I have come from, Overcoming what I had to, Overcoming what I needed to, Overcoming what I get to, I now solely understand, That vast dysfunction, Contributed by both society, Era’s plus the detoxing of my childhood, The unbecoming processes, Of my parents, my sibling’s, Of myself…. Foreign is not bad, But if you let it, It will isolate you, Drudge you and beat you up, With guilt, resentments, And massive splats of shame, Because I was abandoned, Neglected, of the right kind of attention, Right love, right ways, right kindness, Foreign because my guarded walls, Where I kept everyone else out, Including myself, As to keep myself blind, naive, conforming, And making them happy, Making them not triggered, Betraying myself, my heart, my mind, my soul…. I get it… I totally get it now…. Foreign means not used too, Foreign also means uncertainty, The unraveling persay of my own Unbecoming, coming undone, Revealing to me, The wounds I have that still swirl me Out of habit, because I was rejected, Because I was innocent, Because I knew only of this dysfunction, Still, becoming unlearned… Pretty freaking awesome, How so many definitions and feelings, Speak through, when I simply, Question without their echoes, What foreign pertains/contains, In me at core value, How many flashbacks surface, I connect the dots too, And now I am lifted to a new place… Foreign is unknown, something new, Something more to come from, More to add, more to heal, more, Of this just right here, to love… I understand this… with all my knowing, Of not knowing, this is where I become… -I am here choosing to understand, choosing to learn, still… Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror (Being loved unconditionally, Accepting someone giving kindness, Love, admiration, something simple, Was foreign, still is and I'm realizing now, Just how much of the poison I drank, I let in not knowing this was not, How healthy love/family was, I believed and to now, How it surfaced, How I was able to receive, How that is still affecting me, Even after much growth has occurred, The wound blooms into a scar, And I am so grateful for how It came through on its wings of wisdom, Through another heart, I arose, and learned yet again, At source, how to fly again… I am lifted...I lift, every connection, Every possibility, I heal, grows me, To be comfortable with foreign, As everything always does, Come full circle…)
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 Radical honest and true,
Love, What does it look like, Taste like, feel like, smell like, Act like, speak like, hear like? Create it through your being. Radical revolution Of unconventional, Feels like, smells like, acts like, Tastes like, hears like, speaks like? Exude it through your being, By being as you create yourself To be. However it: Declares, parades as, Leaks, discloses as, Provides, bears as, Conceals, lurks as, Exposes, proves as, We, Unearth, Discover, Admit, Enlarge, Obtain, Distinguish, Identify… As we Resonate With, For, Through, Incoming, Outgoing, Loosen, Tighten, Guard, Open & bring Guiding life-force Or Light-force too. All radical, All brought out, Given space, For and to, Every choice, Every belief followed through action, Every word followed through action, Every action led by thought, Every possibility, Led, leads, Chose, chooses, Abundant or restricted, Given, had, chosen, Amplified or suppressed… Radical, As each of us, To our core, The depths of who we are, Where we came from, What we live, Why we are who we are, What gives? What shares? What is voiced? What is acted out? What exudes with aroma, aura, attraction? What our words, our actions, choices, Taste like, feel like? Can be sensed, Can be imprinted, Can be seen, Even though much is hidden, We being ourselves, In all that we were, In all that we are, In all that is already changing, Becoming, Who we learned to love, Who we are still learning to love, All is becoming us…. Radically honest, Radically true, Radically unconventionally, Fucking Beautiful, Within every way, Within ever narration, Within every nook and cranny Of our story, “Radical!” Radically our own revolution, From the historical attributes, Of our genes, However it: Declares, parades as, Leaks, discloses as, Provides, bears as, Conceals, lurks as, Exposes, proves as, We become, We change, We celebrate, We get to be different, We get to be us, However it spills, However we will it to be, However open we choose, However, however, At any given moment, We bear, show, emanate, Be, are, suits us, And gives off, The building of our own Becoming… That’s pretty freaking radical, To each their own, We give ourselves, Life, to which ever way, want, need, Make, To be.. Somehow no matter which way, We got this! Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror We, Unearth, Discover, Admit, Enlarge, Obtain,Distinguish, Identify… As we, Resonate With, For, Through, Incoming, Outgoing, Loosen, Tighten, Guard, Open & bring Guiding life-force Or Light-force too. We get to define, We get to refine, We get to love, laugh, learn, LIVE, how radical is that really? Our diversity, Our light, love, Who we think we are, Who we really are, Who we are actually becoming, Damn straight, Something radical, To celebrate about, Every moment, The getting is gotten!  Turning Point,
Sometimes the brewing, Steeping, motionless, Boiling point, When all that can be withstood, No longer feels worth burying or carrying forward. So it becomes, IMPERATIVE, To climb out of this slum like, Comfortable, predictability, Grind, that feels no longer fulfilling, To flip it, redirect, change, reconstruct, To deconstruct, To give something more, From this whirl, This very tailspin. Change of choice, Change of action, Change of direction, Change of scenery, Change of angles, Imploding/exploding within me. This, I need to get out of here, Movement pleading to be listened to and honored, So without explanations, I lean into this fevering dip of a curve, Changing the timeline of me, Re-routing the becoming of me, Letting it all come undone, Crumble, fall, realign as it always will And can do, because who I just was, Holds no place, to the transition here, Unleashes all for the in process, Becoming now, leads to my every Tomorrow, to get, live, invigorating All of me senses and all, Back into alive & awake mode… Doing it, Following my own pace, Space, rhythm. Loving the releases, For each piece, part, Is for me, by me, Not blending with the masses, I set my own course, I am and will always be, Of my own construct, Present and accounted for, Thoroughly through, From within, Sometimes going without, Figuring what I want to do, Now, and as each arrives, Turning Points, We can have in single Millisecond, the moment We choose, activates and attracts, Immediately, the steps all come together, Change is how I make all Cultivated, possible… No explanations, No excuses, No reasons, Just doing my own thing, Turning around now… Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Let yourself change, At a moments notice, Always love and honor, You, yourself, and let that, Always and forever, Be ENOUGH! (Unmentionable, where I am and want to go, I don't have to explain it, and I don't have to tell ya.) You show so much more of who you are,
by shedding light upon others... I Honor and Love myself as I give to others. I get so much, when I give so much. There is no need for spotlights, as we become more, and more luminous, the more we open, rise, and share each other.... Our Unconditional Love speaks through our light, our actions, our breath, our movements, our being, our interactions... Know this, to Love forward, is how we become better at illuminating the darkness within ourselves... Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Keep sharing your light, keep spreading love and igniting hearts… I am madly in Love with my Life,
for I have challenged myself to slow down, and see the beauty that emerges from all around me, inviting me to open more of my inner wilderness, to come through in all I am unbecoming, allowing me to soar into the heavens, and past the stars, at the speed and rhythm of my heart traveling light. I am so very grateful for what Love I have received, and given from within to without, The Blessings have greeted me with the inner knowing and trusting, that my wings have never left my side... May you be madly in love with your life, May you challenge yourself to slow down, May you see, and be greeted with the Blessings of beautiful Love, May you be grateful, May you know and trust your wings, pace and light... May you always rest at a slower pace while soaring, for in honoring that, our flocks of light grow.... Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Eyes Closed,
for a moment, I allow, I open, to envision my day, with hearts together, for Gratitude, for Love, for Happiness, for Kindness, This is the moment of peace I surrender too... This is the moment where I channel my heart into my thoughts, being, and creating action. This is the start to my day, more energizing than coffee, fuels me longer than caffeine does... This is where I control how my responses, and experiences will be grounded with. I am the silver lining, for every day I live... May We Embrace a moment before we start each day, just fill it jam packed with our hearts, so we can Live it forward. Take that moment, to refresh your thinking, intention, mood, direction, it is a gift we give others, by giving to ourselves first. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror |
Writer:
I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for several years. Mom of four, Married and Hello, I am Archives
November 2020
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