 I wrote something just now, I'd like to share, that revealed itself earlier this morning that I discovered is another hurdle to overcome now...
Part One; *When something feels so foreign to me, like reaching out or like gifts, receiving without earning it, whether it be kindness, love, support or so forth. It's like I feel ashamed to have it, the whole not good enough splats into my whole being and the atmosphere around me. (which has much to do with how I was raised mind you) Once again, I feel like a lost child, while very much an adult... Trying to do something new, as simple as give and receive, without the internal dialog switching back into my parent's voice, "You should be ashamed of yourself or of," to ask for help, to give without ulterior motive, or to receive anything without working hard for it, labels flashback, "God Damn Melissa, you are such a mooch, piece of shit, you don't deserve any of this, without sacrifice. Look at all I have had to sacrifice for you." Clearly my upbringing in a single parent home, recovering from sexual/physical abuse on her behalf, while me surviving that too, really left many stains, many wounds, many burials, many scars..... I know better now, but I am still the lost child at times, still trying to regain all my abilities to overcome, in new light, new thoughts, new words, new processes, new acceptances, new awareness, new paths, new knowing, Just as right now I don't know everything still, which isn't a bad thing... But not knowing anything like all of my habits did before... I become unraveled, to become much better, much healthier...* It all connects, explains, makes sense now... full circle, why I have a hard time accepting and receiving love, and have combated the feeling of guilt all this time, like naively the undertone and feeling, I am not allowed to accept this, or have this, because I believed my birth parents, that this will always be unattainable, without hard work, without slaving myself away, without ever fitting nicely in their little box of ideals and expectations of me, I carried up with until yesterday never knowing why, I know why now… Part Two; 2-23-2020 10:03am central time I realize now that my programming, Was based in what I’d like to call, “Make parents happy, syndrome.” Like make everyone happy, Kind of slaving/serving, Coming from where I have come from, Overcoming what I had to, Overcoming what I needed to, Overcoming what I get to, I now solely understand, That vast dysfunction, Contributed by both society, Era’s plus the detoxing of my childhood, The unbecoming processes, Of my parents, my sibling’s, Of myself…. Foreign is not bad, But if you let it, It will isolate you, Drudge you and beat you up, With guilt, resentments, And massive splats of shame, Because I was abandoned, Neglected, of the right kind of attention, Right love, right ways, right kindness, Foreign because my guarded walls, Where I kept everyone else out, Including myself, As to keep myself blind, naive, conforming, And making them happy, Making them not triggered, Betraying myself, my heart, my mind, my soul…. I get it… I totally get it now…. Foreign means not used too, Foreign also means uncertainty, The unraveling persay of my own Unbecoming, coming undone, Revealing to me, The wounds I have that still swirl me Out of habit, because I was rejected, Because I was innocent, Because I knew only of this dysfunction, Still, becoming unlearned… Pretty freaking awesome, How so many definitions and feelings, Speak through, when I simply, Question without their echoes, What foreign pertains/contains, In me at core value, How many flashbacks surface, I connect the dots too, And now I am lifted to a new place… Foreign is unknown, something new, Something more to come from, More to add, more to heal, more, Of this just right here, to love… I understand this… with all my knowing, Of not knowing, this is where I become… -I am here choosing to understand, choosing to learn, still… Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror (Being loved unconditionally, Accepting someone giving kindness, Love, admiration, something simple, Was foreign, still is and I'm realizing now, Just how much of the poison I drank, I let in not knowing this was not, How healthy love/family was, I believed and to now, How it surfaced, How I was able to receive, How that is still affecting me, Even after much growth has occurred, The wound blooms into a scar, And I am so grateful for how It came through on its wings of wisdom, Through another heart, I arose, and learned yet again, At source, how to fly again… I am lifted...I lift, every connection, Every possibility, I heal, grows me, To be comfortable with foreign, As everything always does, Come full circle…)
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 Radical honest and true,
Love, What does it look like, Taste like, feel like, smell like, Act like, speak like, hear like? Create it through your being. Radical revolution Of unconventional, Feels like, smells like, acts like, Tastes like, hears like, speaks like? Exude it through your being, By being as you create yourself To be. However it: Declares, parades as, Leaks, discloses as, Provides, bears as, Conceals, lurks as, Exposes, proves as, We, Unearth, Discover, Admit, Enlarge, Obtain, Distinguish, Identify… As we Resonate With, For, Through, Incoming, Outgoing, Loosen, Tighten, Guard, Open & bring Guiding life-force Or Light-force too. All radical, All brought out, Given space, For and to, Every choice, Every belief followed through action, Every word followed through action, Every action led by thought, Every possibility, Led, leads, Chose, chooses, Abundant or restricted, Given, had, chosen, Amplified or suppressed… Radical, As each of us, To our core, The depths of who we are, Where we came from, What we live, Why we are who we are, What gives? What shares? What is voiced? What is acted out? What exudes with aroma, aura, attraction? What our words, our actions, choices, Taste like, feel like? Can be sensed, Can be imprinted, Can be seen, Even though much is hidden, We being ourselves, In all that we were, In all that we are, In all that is already changing, Becoming, Who we learned to love, Who we are still learning to love, All is becoming us…. Radically honest, Radically true, Radically unconventionally, Fucking Beautiful, Within every way, Within ever narration, Within every nook and cranny Of our story, “Radical!” Radically our own revolution, From the historical attributes, Of our genes, However it: Declares, parades as, Leaks, discloses as, Provides, bears as, Conceals, lurks as, Exposes, proves as, We become, We change, We celebrate, We get to be different, We get to be us, However it spills, However we will it to be, However open we choose, However, however, At any given moment, We bear, show, emanate, Be, are, suits us, And gives off, The building of our own Becoming… That’s pretty freaking radical, To each their own, We give ourselves, Life, to which ever way, want, need, Make, To be.. Somehow no matter which way, We got this! Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror We, Unearth, Discover, Admit, Enlarge, Obtain,Distinguish, Identify… As we, Resonate With, For, Through, Incoming, Outgoing, Loosen, Tighten, Guard, Open & bring Guiding life-force Or Light-force too. We get to define, We get to refine, We get to love, laugh, learn, LIVE, how radical is that really? Our diversity, Our light, love, Who we think we are, Who we really are, Who we are actually becoming, Damn straight, Something radical, To celebrate about, Every moment, The getting is gotten! |
Writer:
I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for several years. Mom of four, Married. Hello, I am Archives
July 2021
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