 I wrote something just now, I'd like to share, that revealed itself earlier this morning that I discovered is another hurdle to overcome now...
Part One; *When something feels so foreign to me, like reaching out or like gifts, receiving without earning it, whether it be kindness, love, support or so forth. It's like I feel ashamed to have it, the whole not good enough splats into my whole being and the atmosphere around me. (which has much to do with how I was raised mind you) Once again, I feel like a lost child, while very much an adult... Trying to do something new, as simple as give and receive, without the internal dialog switching back into my parent's voice, "You should be ashamed of yourself or of," to ask for help, to give without ulterior motive, or to receive anything without working hard for it, labels flashback, "God Damn Melissa, you are such a mooch, piece of shit, you don't deserve any of this, without sacrifice. Look at all I have had to sacrifice for you." Clearly my upbringing in a single parent home, recovering from sexual/physical abuse on her behalf, while me surviving that too, really left many stains, many wounds, many burials, many scars..... I know better now, but I am still the lost child at times, still trying to regain all my abilities to overcome, in new light, new thoughts, new words, new processes, new acceptances, new awareness, new paths, new knowing, Just as right now I don't know everything still, which isn't a bad thing... But not knowing anything like all of my habits did before... I become unraveled, to become much better, much healthier...* It all connects, explains, makes sense now... full circle, why I have a hard time accepting and receiving love, and have combated the feeling of guilt all this time, like naively the undertone and feeling, I am not allowed to accept this, or have this, because I believed my birth parents, that this will always be unattainable, without hard work, without slaving myself away, without ever fitting nicely in their little box of ideals and expectations of me, I carried up with until yesterday never knowing why, I know why now… Part Two; 2-23-2020 10:03am central time I realize now that my programming, Was based in what I’d like to call, “Make parents happy, syndrome.” Like make everyone happy, Kind of slaving/serving, Coming from where I have come from, Overcoming what I had to, Overcoming what I needed to, Overcoming what I get to, I now solely understand, That vast dysfunction, Contributed by both society, Era’s plus the detoxing of my childhood, The unbecoming processes, Of my parents, my sibling’s, Of myself…. Foreign is not bad, But if you let it, It will isolate you, Drudge you and beat you up, With guilt, resentments, And massive splats of shame, Because I was abandoned, Neglected, of the right kind of attention, Right love, right ways, right kindness, Foreign because my guarded walls, Where I kept everyone else out, Including myself, As to keep myself blind, naive, conforming, And making them happy, Making them not triggered, Betraying myself, my heart, my mind, my soul…. I get it… I totally get it now…. Foreign means not used too, Foreign also means uncertainty, The unraveling persay of my own Unbecoming, coming undone, Revealing to me, The wounds I have that still swirl me Out of habit, because I was rejected, Because I was innocent, Because I knew only of this dysfunction, Still, becoming unlearned… Pretty freaking awesome, How so many definitions and feelings, Speak through, when I simply, Question without their echoes, What foreign pertains/contains, In me at core value, How many flashbacks surface, I connect the dots too, And now I am lifted to a new place… Foreign is unknown, something new, Something more to come from, More to add, more to heal, more, Of this just right here, to love… I understand this… with all my knowing, Of not knowing, this is where I become… -I am here choosing to understand, choosing to learn, still… Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror (Being loved unconditionally, Accepting someone giving kindness, Love, admiration, something simple, Was foreign, still is and I'm realizing now, Just how much of the poison I drank, I let in not knowing this was not, How healthy love/family was, I believed and to now, How it surfaced, How I was able to receive, How that is still affecting me, Even after much growth has occurred, The wound blooms into a scar, And I am so grateful for how It came through on its wings of wisdom, Through another heart, I arose, and learned yet again, At source, how to fly again… I am lifted...I lift, every connection, Every possibility, I heal, grows me, To be comfortable with foreign, As everything always does, Come full circle…)
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 Radical honest and true,
Love, What does it look like, Taste like, feel like, smell like, Act like, speak like, hear like? Create it through your being. Radical revolution Of unconventional, Feels like, smells like, acts like, Tastes like, hears like, speaks like? Exude it through your being, By being as you create yourself To be. However it: Declares, parades as, Leaks, discloses as, Provides, bears as, Conceals, lurks as, Exposes, proves as, We, Unearth, Discover, Admit, Enlarge, Obtain, Distinguish, Identify… As we Resonate With, For, Through, Incoming, Outgoing, Loosen, Tighten, Guard, Open & bring Guiding life-force Or Light-force too. All radical, All brought out, Given space, For and to, Every choice, Every belief followed through action, Every word followed through action, Every action led by thought, Every possibility, Led, leads, Chose, chooses, Abundant or restricted, Given, had, chosen, Amplified or suppressed… Radical, As each of us, To our core, The depths of who we are, Where we came from, What we live, Why we are who we are, What gives? What shares? What is voiced? What is acted out? What exudes with aroma, aura, attraction? What our words, our actions, choices, Taste like, feel like? Can be sensed, Can be imprinted, Can be seen, Even though much is hidden, We being ourselves, In all that we were, In all that we are, In all that is already changing, Becoming, Who we learned to love, Who we are still learning to love, All is becoming us…. Radically honest, Radically true, Radically unconventionally, Fucking Beautiful, Within every way, Within ever narration, Within every nook and cranny Of our story, “Radical!” Radically our own revolution, From the historical attributes, Of our genes, However it: Declares, parades as, Leaks, discloses as, Provides, bears as, Conceals, lurks as, Exposes, proves as, We become, We change, We celebrate, We get to be different, We get to be us, However it spills, However we will it to be, However open we choose, However, however, At any given moment, We bear, show, emanate, Be, are, suits us, And gives off, The building of our own Becoming… That’s pretty freaking radical, To each their own, We give ourselves, Life, to which ever way, want, need, Make, To be.. Somehow no matter which way, We got this! Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror We, Unearth, Discover, Admit, Enlarge, Obtain,Distinguish, Identify… As we, Resonate With, For, Through, Incoming, Outgoing, Loosen, Tighten, Guard, Open & bring Guiding life-force Or Light-force too. We get to define, We get to refine, We get to love, laugh, learn, LIVE, how radical is that really? Our diversity, Our light, love, Who we think we are, Who we really are, Who we are actually becoming, Damn straight, Something radical, To celebrate about, Every moment, The getting is gotten!  Turning Point,
Sometimes the brewing, Steeping, motionless, Boiling point, When all that can be withstood, No longer feels worth burying or carrying forward. So it becomes, IMPERATIVE, To climb out of this slum like, Comfortable, predictability, Grind, that feels no longer fulfilling, To flip it, redirect, change, reconstruct, To deconstruct, To give something more, From this whirl, This very tailspin. Change of choice, Change of action, Change of direction, Change of scenery, Change of angles, Imploding/exploding within me. This, I need to get out of here, Movement pleading to be listened to and honored, So without explanations, I lean into this fevering dip of a curve, Changing the timeline of me, Re-routing the becoming of me, Letting it all come undone, Crumble, fall, realign as it always will And can do, because who I just was, Holds no place, to the transition here, Unleashes all for the in process, Becoming now, leads to my every Tomorrow, to get, live, invigorating All of me senses and all, Back into alive & awake mode… Doing it, Following my own pace, Space, rhythm. Loving the releases, For each piece, part, Is for me, by me, Not blending with the masses, I set my own course, I am and will always be, Of my own construct, Present and accounted for, Thoroughly through, From within, Sometimes going without, Figuring what I want to do, Now, and as each arrives, Turning Points, We can have in single Millisecond, the moment We choose, activates and attracts, Immediately, the steps all come together, Change is how I make all Cultivated, possible… No explanations, No excuses, No reasons, Just doing my own thing, Turning around now… Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Let yourself change, At a moments notice, Always love and honor, You, yourself, and let that, Always and forever, Be ENOUGH! (Unmentionable, where I am and want to go, I don't have to explain it, and I don't have to tell ya.) You show so much more of who you are,
by shedding light upon others... I Honor and Love myself as I give to others. I get so much, when I give so much. There is no need for spotlights, as we become more, and more luminous, the more we open, rise, and share each other.... Our Unconditional Love speaks through our light, our actions, our breath, our movements, our being, our interactions... Know this, to Love forward, is how we become better at illuminating the darkness within ourselves... Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Keep sharing your light, keep spreading love and igniting hearts… I am madly in Love with my Life,
for I have challenged myself to slow down, and see the beauty that emerges from all around me, inviting me to open more of my inner wilderness, to come through in all I am unbecoming, allowing me to soar into the heavens, and past the stars, at the speed and rhythm of my heart traveling light. I am so very grateful for what Love I have received, and given from within to without, The Blessings have greeted me with the inner knowing and trusting, that my wings have never left my side... May you be madly in love with your life, May you challenge yourself to slow down, May you see, and be greeted with the Blessings of beautiful Love, May you be grateful, May you know and trust your wings, pace and light... May you always rest at a slower pace while soaring, for in honoring that, our flocks of light grow.... Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Eyes Closed,
for a moment, I allow, I open, to envision my day, with hearts together, for Gratitude, for Love, for Happiness, for Kindness, This is the moment of peace I surrender too... This is the moment where I channel my heart into my thoughts, being, and creating action. This is the start to my day, more energizing than coffee, fuels me longer than caffeine does... This is where I control how my responses, and experiences will be grounded with. I am the silver lining, for every day I live... May We Embrace a moment before we start each day, just fill it jam packed with our hearts, so we can Live it forward. Take that moment, to refresh your thinking, intention, mood, direction, it is a gift we give others, by giving to ourselves first. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror I am so much more,
then I was led to Believe... I am so much more, then I gave myself credit for.... I am so much more, then human, I have a soul that connects to everything, and reveals many Blessings as time progresses... I am so much more, then a shell, I am a heartfelt Kindred Spirit, Living in Aloud Full of expressions, and experiences... I am Love, I am Light... I am so much more me, then I have ever been. This whole process, progress, and path, within this Journey, is so much more then I imagined possible, far better each day, far more grateful, blessed, and opening to all Living Life to the Fullest really means... "I am so much more, You are so much more, We are so much more, then we realize, Don't take yourself, for Granted, We are all Incredibly more, then just the daily grind, We are Infinite Dreams, Infinite Love, Infinite Possibilities..." Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Observing-Ponder moment:
Many times, We are, Learning to Honor our hearts forward, we get tested, challenged, first... Some of the tests have different faces from our past, some of our obstacles live outside of our bodies, sometimes its just a matter of too many forks in the road, scattering our attention, some are the things we are irritated about in the opposite gender then us, some are rather difficult people that over protect, over analyze, over criticize, and talk over us, To Honor Our Hearts, and Love ourselves forward, we must Find Peace, Respect and Honor, outside of ourselves, to realize what needs and lacks are within us, towards ourselves.... Be mindful of the internal and external signals, for these signals hold mirrors. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror I will not block myself within
a self perpetuated Exile, for mistakes already paid for, holding onto the thoughts against myself, as to punish myself, and live a life resenting each of them I made, like a scoreboard tally against another team. I am on my own team, I must trust, love and support myself, not tear myself down... I chose to learn from them, as they happened, made lots of progress, still am learning. Mistakes change, I changed. I will not weigh myself down to grudgingly but knowingly stay rooted, within resentment by resisting change. I will keep moving, doing better, getting brighter, manifesting new cards to be dealt with, from the creation of my whole presence, right now, at this moment, and here on after.. I have found grace through every fall, and gratitude for every rise... I was the problem, so I now thrive being the solution. Because if I don't love myself, and Honor my own Heart, Who else will? Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Sometimes our light
kisses the heart of another, without physical presence, it's a spiritual connect, a warmth we feel inside and out, a smile within, a smile we both can feel, a smile you seen upon your own face mutually, a soulful hug embracing us, through all miles, states, continents, time, space, as if our eyes are looking into each other though it us only looking blankly at nothing, yet each presence is known.. Each presence Honored, Loved and Cherished. I am grateful for these connections, Soul Friends, Brothers, Sisters, Guardians of Humanity, Beacons of Light. Thank you, I am so Thankful for every One of You Blessings. "We got This!" Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Sometimes when rough patches appear,
I am moved to happy tears, for how resilient I can be and am. When I allow my whole presence to be bathed within my light, the many lessons I have learned, from my intuition kicking into overdrive.... I have no ability to stop, this massive overdrive, so in letting go, I surrender with my faithful heart, and everything that flew apart, somehow simply now, is whole again. I am so very grateful for who I am, for it is within my light, I have the powers to heal, and rise within any single moment. I have the courage, to overrule, the inner procrastinating critic, and embrace my Life with Unconditional Love... Be kindly, Thankful for how many times we Rise, Radiate, Recharge, and are Resilient. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror I listen, I give,
I absorb, I receive, I breathe, I love, I allow, I perform, I learn, I expand, I move, I observe, I forgive, I grow, I ignite, I share, I aspire, I flourish, I cherish, I inspire, I am as I openly become... I am as within my heart, taking action. I am living my truth, as I am Light. I am kind, as I live unconditionally. I am alive, as I keep experiencing life, I choose, I listen, I move... Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror When sadness sends trickles of tears down our cheeks,
May we Remember the ever flowing fountain of Light that gleams within, replenishes us with every release, every shudder, sigh, sniff, tear.... I know sadness is not easy, to feel, to express, to let go, to allow.... May the Light that you are, comfort you, keep you safe, and warm your heart, as the storm blows, as the walls crumble, as the darkness seems to be engulfing you... May you Know, your light never leaves you, you will not be rejected, abandoned, neglected, the Divinity that lives within you, in your breath, as you, your senses, heart, mind, body and soul... When sadness creeps in, allow all that you are to accept and embrace this path, without fearing, worrying derailing you, trust this course, take this course, and know even if others seem to fall away, and not have your back, the Light within, will always have your back, allow the Blessings to unfold accordingly, following the current you ride... Love your sadness, Love your Happiness, love your lessons, love your life, love your ride, Love yourself through thick and thin.. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror It is in my most difficult dark moments,
I must seek refuge within my light, to be reminded of the Blessings I overlook, while I panic, worry and emit energy that contradicts my original flow. It is in these times I must keep mindful presence of Peace, even when these moments are adversely affecting me. May in Moments of Difficulty, Our Reflections within our Tribe, be reflected back into us, as loving reminders of the Light we give off in naturally being ourselves. Even when darkness seems to be the only thing we think we can see, May We Know the difference we have made prior to this moment, and allow Our Light to swallow us up, so that our surge of panic is refilled with the Divine Warmth and Loving light, Knowing we can still be, within our storm that lives within the darkness. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror P.S. I Just had one of those dark curve balls, and so very Thankful for my friends reflecting my Light within their hearts, to remind me of Mine. xoxo!!! I restrict my light and others when I presume,
their responses as Negative... When I presume Negativity, I create negativity.. Presumptions restrict us, when we choose to limit ourselves, We chose to believe our presumptions. Presumptions are not facts, of actual experience, they are stories we create, we fabricate, to give us the results before anyone can respond, is like a self fulfilled prophecy. Detach from presumptions, redirect, add Loving intentions and positivity, create open space for Blessings. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror My Intentions for the rest of My Life:
May Our Hearts meld together, Gravitating our collective Illuminations of Love, Peace, Joy, Wisdom, Kindness, Empathy, Wellness and Gratitude, as our Global and Eternal Beacon, of Colorful Spirited Awakenings to all Humanity, so that it lifts veils, souls, and smiles upon all hearts, creating a huge and lasting impact on all civilizations.. As one Beating Heart of Divine Light. May Our only intentions come from within, the very fiber of existence, be manifestations of the Light, We all are.... -May Our Hearts, Differences,Lessons, Blessings and Experiences, meld, connect, co-exist, transform, cultivate, create and co-create, inspiration to embrace our world, within our own hearts, to give and receive, from within us to the world... We are all Light Givers... Cascading light is within our nature. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror May We Know, Embrace and Be. The remorse I have felt for years,
that obliterates my presence in the present. Within the slightest pang to my heart, I awoke, within me the understanding to a lesson created by my own thinking, unstrung a web I tangled myself within shame, guilt, resentment and Blame. I have been punishing myself with filth from my own thinking and reactions to how many times, I failed... The Lesson serves to forgive myself, allowing myself to embrace forgiveness, for my choices to react, to have made a mess of things, and beat myself up every time I re-bring it up, to evaluate, excuse, blame, shame myself for not only my actions, but everyone's contribution to the matters, beyond actions of my own... I was in a trap of justifying and okaying this punishment against myself, for the toll of my mistakes, my failures, constant deepening of the wound, the baggage of my thoughts, beliefs, reactions, the weight I chose to carry within, was my weight and how I chose to carry and hold onto it, as leverage against myself, was worthy punishment in my eyes. The remorse within, was my connection, reminder, of what I did wrong, I thought was part of the lesson, that I was doing right, but allowing the pain to continue, but controlled by me, not other people... I was confused, I confused myself, making things more challenging, more triggering, more difficult to assess.... Forgiveness is still very much my process to this very day, for every bend in the road still paves mistakes to be learned, and more to awaken within us, to Love, and Forgive... To deepen the Peace, to sink into my light, soaking in Love as my Presence, Forgiveness reacquaints us with our hearts, allows us to Love ourselves once again, allows the weight we have chosen to carry, to be lifted and free us from the grudges we hold against ourselves... Forgiveness allows us to heal ourselves from within and Brings Love back into the light and energy we emit so we can keep our presence in the now, and reclaim the beautiful Life we have here... Forgiveness is our connection, to Love, to kindness, to Blessings, for ourselves and others, Forgiveness helps us remain positive and happy wholly. We can not fully Love ourselves without Forgiveness. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror PS. I am still Learning that with Loving Myself, Forgiveness, brings both Peace and Gratitude, back within. Our Life is meant to be Lived,
within constant fulfillment, of our Innermost Truths, of Love, of Gratitude, of Joy, of Kindness, of Trust, of Giving, of Leaning, of Understanding, of Empathy, of Wisdom, of Experiences, of Knowledge, of Learning, of Knowing Sorrow, unfurling, unfolding, unlearning, becoming, being, creating, within, aloud within our actions, speech, interactions, In constant fulfillment, of our heart and soul, as we Accept, Fly, Crawl, Align, Soar, Awaken, Evolve.... Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror Sometimes, I Believe We are, our own riddle, to figure out and align ourselves to our heart, to realize our connection to everything... I Believe with everything in me,
though tears will fall from time to time, though sadness may knock, may push and shove me into a tumbling roll, though anger may rise, may singe my heart, my actions, and my words as it releases, though frustrations may stump me with confusion, though ignorance may shift me abruptly, though I may have moments I deny, disbelieve, disengage, though I may not budge at times where learning must happen before healing, though things are rather slow, lethargic and tedious, I have the soulful capacity to remain positive, rejoicing within, gratitude, happy, fulfilled, heart centered in acceptance of who I am right now, as I am. I am more than enough, to remain whole when messes scatter about. I Believe with everything in me, I am my own Intuitive design, Built to withstand, for what resides within, shields me while I Live, Love, Smile, Cry and Grow. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror I walk with the winds of change,
whether they come from behind me, or the wind comes at me. I walk with the strength of deep roots, standing tall, because of Love. Arms reaching stretched, branching from within, reaching further and further then previously thought possible... My wholeness meld into the Universe as expansion of Light, I walk, with wakefulness within and without. I walk, I bend, I play, I give thanks, I labor, I speak, I bow, I unfold, I mingle, I move, I lift, I inhale experiences each step, I exhale Lessons Learned and Blessings, this adds to my stride. I walk with the rains from behind me or coming at me. I walk with Gratitude, Loving Awareness of others, while I am on this Journey of Presence. I walk with presence into unknowns, mysteries, confusion, opened, as my Love, as my Gratitude, as my Winds, as my Light, as my Being, as change, as rains, as I trust, as I am, as you are, I walk. Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror |
Writer:
I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for most of my life. Mom of four, Married. Hello, I am Archives
January 2022
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