To all my fans, to all my blessed community,
I wanted to to take this time,
Of right now to update you,
Of what’s been keeping me away,
Of my choices,
Of why I have felt uninspired
To write, to connect, to keep active
On my facebook page, and website,
I feel like this is owed to you.
This year has been difficult
With many moments to overcome,
Grieve, heal, forgive, let go and grow,
Not just for myself, but I know all to well,
This year has been difficult for many.
At the beginning of this year,
A very dear friend of mine, passed away,
Quite suddenly, and as strong as I tried to stay,
I couldn’t stay strong any longer.
Last years, thanksgiving without her was hard,
My birthday and all the days before 2019 Xmas,
Were a roller-coaster of tears, joyful remembering,
Frustration, challenging to fill up Days not looking at her phone number
In my phone, so wanting to call her, have our talks,
I was emotionally a zombie, out of body, but present.
That was what followed me into the new year.
January 2020 had many goods, many blessings,
I was really trying to allow myself to ease the grieving,
Be here now, with my family, with my friends, with my page,
And so forth. Most importantly, as Feb came and went
And then the new revelations of covid19 stroke in,
Added to my sensitivity to world news, the empath in
Flew into a deeper depression, seeing, hearing the world,
Hurting, dying, sick, all the fear that was circulated
Within all of our communities, large scale damages,
Affected me, just as it affected all of us,
As we were all learning what it was,
How to stay safe, all the precautions needed taken!
Meanwhile chaos hit, I was still waiting for my doctor appts
To be had, I have had sinus issues for years, delayed,
I understood why, but it was nonetheless frustrating,
And concerning to me. This year had many scary firsts,
Alarming to me and my life. I had my first mammogram,
They found something in both my breasts, waiting for
Diagnostic mammograms to happen, waiting on the results,
March, April, May, were packed full of appointments, worry,
And all meanwhile the buzz of covid19 stirring, happening,
Killing people, sadness encompassing all of us…
June hit hard, my best friends mom got news of having a cancerous
Tumor in her esophagus, making it difficult to eat or drink,
Remembering now the struggle my best friend had to face,
To deal with what could remedy this horrific news, keep her mama alive.
The next few months, like myself she was busied with doctor appointments,
Worry, sadness, fear..
Awaiting a biopsy, the mammograms really pushed the triggers
For me having been sexually abused in my childhood,
Being poked and prodded professionally for a healthy/good
Cause, I still cried, it hurt, it was uncomfortable, it brought up
A lot that I had blacked out from childhood. Don’t get me wrong
These doctors and nurses were very kind, tried to make it as
Comfortable as they could, to get what needed done.
Results, left breast has a non-cancerous cyst within it,
Right breast has a glandular tumor didn’t know if it was cancerous or not,
into the end of July/August2020 having the biopsy to my right breast,
Omg I was not prepared emotionally, intuitively for how much
That hurts, even to this day I lay differently, doing some things like dancing
Or putting on a shirt, it hurts a bit…After the biopsy got results rather quickly,
Found out I didn’t have cancer, had many relieved cries, especially with my eldest kid, my mom, my Dad... I am so grateful I had my parents,
My kids, my husband, my sisters in-law and hubby’s mom, my friends, my soul family, through every step, even when I was fearfully crying, Scared shitless….
I realize thoroughly through this,
Everyone heals differently, I have learned to embrace
“It's okay to not be okay.”
September slipped by, October came in and shocked me,
More devastation, more sadness, more having to pick up my own pieces,
My best friend’s heart broke, her mama passed…
Cried lots, was there for her best I could, most she’d let me be,
We ended the month taking fall pictures, I was quite bah humbug about, as it was cold as eff out...
November came, got a cold, not covid, but spent most of the month getting better, especially to not miss going to my moms, on thanksgiving Day, also being her birthday this year…
My eldest turned 20, still facing that I am his mom, wow did the years fly by,
I felt it was a special birthday, November 7th, 2020 he turned 20!
Two days after his birthday, I celebrated my friend who passed, one year anniversary of our loss, which was just as unbelievable as my kid turning twenty, as it was when I saw the ambulance go to her house, me crying before knowing, walked up to her family, seeing her loaded in with the emt’s, driving to the ER, seeing her turned blue, dead, a memory I wish I could unsee, but within her anniversary, I chose to celebrate her life, talk about her,
Spend time with all we got before she traveled to the stars… It was a softening
Of love and light to reconnect with her, listening to her favorite music, smile and cry...
Thankfully got better before that day, all my four kids came with hubby and I,
And I was so grateful for how the day turned out to be, it was the most normal, this year held in our hearts to be had… It was a Happy Thanksgiving,
Then holiday shopping begun, meanwhile my Dad began to have issues,
With his health, he lives in BC, Canada, he may live far away but he is always only a heartbeat away.
December 2020, my birthday happened, December 8th, turned 42,
Had so many Blessings, wishes, via facebook, via my mom and step dad,
Came with birthday balloons, cupcake/muffins, and lots of presents.
Blessed moments, laughing, talking, kids and all of us hanging out.
Usually my Dad forgets, so after the kids, my mom, were partied out,
I called him… Shitty timing, he was having his issues, cried about not remembering my bday, cried that he didn’t want to ruin my birthday, but I demanded to know what was going on, I was more concerned about my daddy than me… He was out of breath, gasping between words, terrified by his own state, we cried together and he told me all that was going on for him,
Which was not good, but thankfully not covid… He’s old, typically in good health, just not right now, bumpy, very bumpy right now, still… He’s 76, and we are and always have been super close, despite what my other family members think… I asked him if I could share this with my big brother,
And after all these years of them being estranged, he said yes, it was okay…
After I got off the phone with my dad, I called my brother, mind you this is still my birthday, eff it, this was deeming itself way way more important.
My Brother and I cried, and then talked and talked, then discussed as my father was adopted, and both his adopted parents deceased before I was born, we only have my dad to base our medical family history, for my dad’s side it’s quite blank… I got off the phone, and recalled my dad to check in,
he was doing better, so we talked about what we enjoy talking about,
And then dad talked about his will, and after my birthday we continued to talk about his will, and I kept close to my brother, keeping him updated on our dad’s health, with doc appointments, test results and so forth.
A phone call every few days, with both of them, last week something miraculous happened, my dad agreed to my brother emailing him, and he actually gave his son advice through me, and when I called to tell my brother,
He cried, then of course I cried too.
Things are smoothing out, being in the middle of them all these years, and my brother being in the middle all these years, just seemed to be finally balancing out, happy tears of relief..
So now we're up to date, getting ready for Xmas, making sure this year after everyone has had to compromise on so much, this year is dedicated to being mellow, more about family, more about gathering, more about connection, because 2020 has been a major lack of connection with all of this social distancing, it's been such a downer….
Taking all the blessings, counting them everyday, recounting over and over,
Allowing that most of us, including me,
Has been preoccupied with survival, with re-balancing from moment to moment, saying Louise Hay quotes such as, “All is Well, all is well, all is well,”
As to calm me, as to project peace, as to emanate hope, as to love one another forward, is all I can do sometimes, most of the time, and to keep up with my home, feeding my family, realizing even though there has been a pile up of adversity, things have been good for me, good for us, “All is most Definitely getting better, getting more well.”
Sorry I have been preoccupied,
To write more often,
To connect more often,
To be more here with each of you,
I am here,
Thank you for waiting,
Thank you for understanding,
Thank you for these blessings and so much more.
-Melissa Palmer of Evolving Mirror
To each of us getting better,
To each of us overcoming,
To each of us facing what we need to,
To facing what we don’t want to but have too,
To facing diversity, adversity, chaos,
Being brave even when we don’t want to be,
Being here, every which way/where that is,
To each of us, being there for each other as best we can,
May that always be more than enough,
Loves to each of you,
For making 2020 as best you can,
I am always there with you,
One world, One humanity,
All will eventually be well,
Stay present as much as you can,
Keep at it, keep counting your blessings,
Recounting over and over,
Is the only way I have found,
That pulls us through…
I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for several years. Mom of four, Married and Hello, I am