( Remembering who I was, within the past 9 years ago, prior to where I am now.)
Everything I rebelled myself against blindly to please others, didn't work.
Everything I allowed my fear to run me over with, didn't work.
Every time I hid, it didn't work.
Every lie I told through reasons and excuses to cover my ass, didn't work.
I never got peace of mind from, avoiding ownership.
Denial drew out, the worse case scenario possible for me every day, I was literally engulfed with the drama I created, externally through many faces, only reflecting the conflicts within me.
I lied and disliked myself for years.
I was so scared, numbed, desensitized by everything, it seemed.
I did not know what it was to be me,
Would I even like this person?
"No! I didn't like me," I emitted that very strongly from within,
and that is exactly what I got.
And for years I carried this burdening baggage,
blending very well with many lost souls of gossipers,
haters, hypocrites, the gimme gimme takers,
that crowd, kept me hidden,
beneath piles and piles of Bullshit, like I thought I was.
I later discovered, to listen within,
I hadn't ever been taught that.
I was told to listen, obey, and do it quickly or else.
So listening to myself, making things right within myself,
was really rough to go against the grain, of me.
But I dug, deeper then I knew at that time was even the slightest bit possible.
as I traveled through many dark tunnels within,
I discovered I was projecting onto others, the very abuse that was done to me.
Holy shit, I was abusing myself! I was causing more self harm with every lie, excuse, reason, avoidance, allowance and dislike.
I didn't know what mindfulness was, or how to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
I really only knew the difference between yes, no, stop and go.
I just felt a lingering ache within me, every bad choice I chose,
A great indicator was, how much chaos, stress and drama rippled forth.
Every Time I felt that horrible, hanging almost strangling guilt lingered, it became what guided me.
Guilt built my path, that pang of pain, was what guided me into saying no, and stopping what I was doing, to go another route.
I progressed with Honesty, Boundaries, and Ownership more than I have ever regressed, overall.
I proved to myself, the strength I had all along.
Choose to Listen to yourself,
Choose to notice things as you progress,
Choose to Be Courageous.
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror
I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for several years. Mom of four, Married and Hello, I am