warning may cause triggers;
HUGE REALIZATION CONNECTED FOR ME;
Because of the abuse that happened to me, when someone overreacts towards me, dumps, projects, gets mad at me,
I feel like it's my fault, and I have to bend over backwards to make it right, even though I know I am not at fault…
The people pleaser I was made up to be, by all the abuse I endured as a child, trained me to lose all my childhood, and be submissive, to be passive, to allow, to take on, to conduct myself as a willing adult,a willing partner,
A manipulated, forced consensual situation over and over, for many many years, so If I did something wrong, it was my fault, my fault over and over again.. Trained me to carry other's burdens as my own, rather than allowing myself to be accountable for only myself, not other people.
Back then I had no choice, because it was forced on me, multiple accounts of of abuse, rape, sexually abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, beaten, and verbally abused, feel now like all of this changed me, into this dysfunctional person they created.
Realizing all of this now, I am disgusted by all their programming within all their dirty disguises, their sickness...
I was trained, programmed to run in such a way,
it was my fault I was pretty, it was my fault what I wore, it was my fault being human, it was my fault I have parts of my body they were fascinated with.
Those things really stacked up, piled on meanwhile I was just a kid growing up, not getting to be a kid, a teenager, young adult...
I was led to believe it was my fault their temptations and lack of control,
their inability to keep their hands to themselves, because there was something wrong with me, that became much of their platform, and it trained me in such a manipulative, sickening way...
Realizing now, how much of my past creates such turmoil within me,
I understand how very conflicted it was for me to get healthy,
as it looked like to everyone else, there was an easier path, with that amount of abuse, there was only one road for me to go at that time, the hard one…
Unlearning my unnecessary programming from perpetrators, meanwhile still outgrowing much of their crap became my internal narration, my go to default setting, to numb out, to black out, to allow, how unfair it was to grow into who I am now, the path was quite hilly.
Constantly learning and relearning, what is fair, what is right, what feels right to me, what will work, even in present times some of the smallest things trigger the default that I am still fighting the old programming in my head,
The past abuse really set an undermining tone to everything I sense or pick up on, to confront, to dwell upon, to work through, to change...
In non-relevant situations, small petty things being projected as my fault, it is not my fault but what it triggers inside of me, has opened my eyes to what needs healed, the unhealed burdens I internalized were not mine, yet I carried for so long I couldn’t tell the difference, I am aware of this now, by being aware, I am able to detect it, and change it
because now I am totally awake, and will not be silent about it,
My loyalty is to me now, not anyone else,
I will make mistakes along the way, what human does things perfectly,
But within all this heavy grief I have been experiencing,
Many beautiful blessings sprouted from deep within skeletons, shadows,
Programming, and today, I choose to carve myself out differently,
I am awake, I am aware and this unknowingness is known now,
So to become better than all yesterdays, I allow this to be the fuel to my wild fires of authenticity to burst all these old molds contained within me, who I had to be, who I was, no longer holding me captive… I choose to outgrow these holds, I choose to not be unconsciously loyal to the past,
But be Loyal to my heart, my ascension, my mind, my own voice,
My own abilities to transmute/transform this, to empower moving forward
Without guilt, shame, carrying what is not mine, I let this go, I release
The all of it, so I am more open and receptive to what is healthier for me,
What aids in my growth, my wellness, I overcome the unseen,
I get through this, moment by moment, step by step….
I forgive myself for not realizing this sooner,
And with that as I work through, I walk away stronger,
Because with everything in me, no matter how much it still hurts,
I will not play their games, wipe things under this skin of mine,
To hide, to still fuel them, I am loyal to myself and my growth,
I will live illusion free, from this day forward.
When things come up, I will reflect, confront, work through, heal, get healthier, wiser, more and more aware, always learning, always listening, always using my heart, my voice, never allow myself to be stuck for long…
I thankful for all that has surfaced, I am thankful for the long hard road I chose, because within it I found transparency, I found honesty, I found what is right for me, what is fair for me, what loyalty is, I found the better me,
I am always becoming, no matter how bad it feels, I will never become so distraught that history repeats itself, it stops now…
Onwards and Upwards, the past has freed me, Thank you..
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror
I am aligned to me, being more loyal to my own growth and stability however I can have it, day in and day out...
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I am originally from British Columbia Canada, but have lived in Iowa, USA, for most of my life. Mom of four, Married. Hello, I am