Something quite honestly Beautiful emerged...

I wrote something just now, I'd like to share, that revealed itself earlier this morning that I discovered is another hurdle to overcome now...
Part One;
*When something feels so foreign to me, like reaching out or like gifts, receiving without earning it, whether it be kindness, love, support or so forth. It's like I feel ashamed to have it, the whole not good enough splats into my whole being and the atmosphere around me. (which has much to do with how I was raised mind you)
Once again, I feel like a lost child, while very much an adult...
Trying to do something new, as simple as give and receive, without the internal dialog switching back into my parent's voice, "You should be ashamed of yourself or of," to ask for help, to give without ulterior motive, or to receive anything without working hard for it, labels flashback, "God Damn Melissa, you are such a mooch, piece of shit, you don't deserve any of this, without sacrifice. Look at all I have had to sacrifice for you."
Clearly my upbringing in a single parent home, recovering from sexual/physical abuse on her behalf, while me surviving that too, really left many stains, many wounds, many burials, many scars..... I know better now, but I am still the lost child at times, still trying to regain all my abilities to overcome, in new light, new thoughts, new words, new processes, new acceptances, new awareness, new paths, new knowing,
Just as right now I don't know everything still, which isn't a bad thing...
But not knowing anything like all of my habits did before...
I become unraveled, to become much better, much healthier...*
It all connects, explains, makes sense now...
full circle, why I have a hard time accepting
and receiving love, and have combated the feeling of guilt all this time,
like naively the undertone and feeling,
I am not allowed to accept this, or have this, because I believed my birth parents, that this will always be unattainable, without hard work,
without slaving myself away, without ever fitting nicely in their little box of ideals and expectations of me,
I carried up with until yesterday never knowing why, I know why now…
Part Two;
2-23-2020 10:03am central time
I realize now that my programming,
Was based in what I’d like to call,
“Make parents happy, syndrome.”
Like make everyone happy,
Kind of slaving/serving,
Coming from where I have come from,
Overcoming what I had to,
Overcoming what I needed to,
Overcoming what I get to,
I now solely understand,
That vast dysfunction,
Contributed by both society,
Era’s plus the detoxing of my childhood,
The unbecoming processes,
Of my parents, my sibling’s,
Of myself….
Foreign is not bad,
But if you let it,
It will isolate you,
Drudge you and beat you up,
With guilt, resentments, 
And massive splats of shame,
Because I was abandoned,
Neglected, of the right kind of attention,
Right love, right ways, right kindness,
Foreign because my guarded walls,
Where I kept everyone else out,
Including myself,
As to keep myself blind, naive, conforming,
And making them happy,
Making them not triggered,
Betraying myself, my heart, my mind, my soul….
I get it… I totally get it now….
Foreign means not used too,
Foreign also means uncertainty,
The unraveling persay of my own 
Unbecoming, coming undone,
Revealing to me, 
The wounds I have that still swirl me
Out of habit, because I was rejected,
Because I was innocent,
Because I knew only of this dysfunction,
Still, becoming unlearned…
Pretty freaking awesome,
How so many definitions and feelings,
Speak through, when I simply,
Question without their echoes,
What foreign pertains/contains,
In me at core value,
How many flashbacks surface,
I connect the dots too,
And now I am lifted to a new place…
Foreign is unknown, something new,
Something more to come from,
More to add, more to heal, more,
Of this just right here, to love…
I understand this… with all my knowing,
Of not knowing, this is where I  become…
-I am here
choosing to understand,
choosing to learn, still…
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror
(Being loved unconditionally,
Accepting someone giving kindness,
Love, admiration, something simple,
Was foreign, still is
and I'm realizing now,
Just how much of the poison
I drank, I let in not knowing this was not,
How healthy love/family was, 
I believed and to now,
How it surfaced,
How I was able to receive,
How that is still affecting me,
Even after much growth has occurred,
The wound blooms into a scar,
And I am so grateful for how 
It came through on its wings of wisdom,
Through another heart,
I arose, and learned yet again,
At source, how to fly again…
I am lifted...I lift, every connection,
Every possibility, I heal, grows me,
To be comfortable with foreign,
As everything always does,
Come full circle…)