should of behaved better

When I originally opened my journal
To the world it was 2013,
I ignored the voices inside of me,
My mother’s voice and people that wanted me to
Not blare my truths and experiences,
Because they were scared of how they would look,
Because they felt I would villainize them.
They were discouraging me,
They were telling me how’d I fail,
‘How there’s no money in prose,
How is this a job?’
I ignored them,
Honoring what I felt compelled to share,
Without caring for their approval anymore or
their validation,
And that became their source to smear me,
Throughout the entire time I had my old account,
Which turned from one follower to 37K,
Totally impacted me plus surprised me,
And proved to me, my gut was right.
My instincts were right,
(Those haters)
They weren’t my people…
Blood or not,
They are not my tribe!!
That sabbatical I took,
Unpublished myself,
Put my website on pause,
Then shortly after that, My world came crashing
Down on me,
The only person in my world at that point of my life,
Of my Blood, Died..
My dad died, and suddenly everything flipped for me,
I stopped writing completely,
I only watercolor painted,
Eventually I drifted away from all my creative outlets.
I lost myself in who I was now, without him..
It’s been almost two and a half years,
Of struggling, of healing, of putting distance from
Toxic abusive relations, full of mean, rude, unsolicited nagging,
Shoulds, and how dare you “he abandoned you” crap,
To realize, what was holding me back and what my blockage
Was… It was her, it was her voice in my head,
It was all this guilt tripping, gaslighting, shaming, blaming me,
ulterior motive type of manipulations, I was her walking & talking trigger,
I was her scapegoat… Just because she has her ideals,
And trying to put me in that box of hers,
It was blocking me from my own thinking,
My own way of being,
My own way to heal and grieve…
I learned so much about my blood family
In the wake of my dad’s death,
And learned to redefine what family means to me,
And how my Dad accepted me for me,
Flaws, quirks and all,
He showed me to show up for myself,
“Fuck her, fuck what she says,” my dad would say and remind me,
Because he was married to her,
And somehow my mother brainwashed me to believe he was scorned,
Bitter about how it was all his fault ‘Because He hit me,’ the lie she told
Me to milk sympathy, and have power over me, because I was her daughter.
Oh man the truths that get revealed in the most ugliest of ways,
Throughout life and after someone you love dies,
The grudges bear themselves, with “ I told you he was going to die, I knew it,” and all these hurtful damaging cruel words and actions, that showed me that everything
I was told to believe my entire life,  lies and exaggerations, to make her look good.
And made my dad look bad, my entire upbringing tainted, by her repainting everything, utilizing her playing favorites to use my siblings either for or against me, all my life. I wish I knew better, way before my dad died.
How much all this shit could have been prevented,
And My Dad fought hard to get my brother and I,
And was constantly defeated…
I am done and tired with all the judgements about, “Oh she is your mom, you’re one and only mom,” Yeah she’s my birth mother,
But it's the most toxic relationship I have ever had in my life.
Every success I had she took credit for, “Oh you got that from me, oh and this you got it from me,’ and so forth robbing me of my own accomplishments.
My Brother thinks I’m cool, and celebrates what I do, as our relationship is mutually loved, cherished, and celebrated.
As for My Dad,
He accepted me,
Was proud of me,
No matter how shitty my life was at the moment,
He knew I could turn it around, he had faith in me,
And both my Dad/Brother loved me unconditionally..
I wasn’t ever good enough for her,
I was raised that I had to be a certain way to be loved,
Act a certain way to get to see my siblings,
Do as she wanted, talk only about what she wanted,
She built me into a people pleaser,
Enabling me for a very hard life, all my life..
Until I knew better,
And knew I couldn’t have her in my life whatsoever..
Just as my Dad warned me.
OMG how death reveals,
How fucked up people really are and always have been..
The masks have all fallen off now.
Wow, that was quite a lot of shit to unpack,
Meanwhile losing my Dad, a huge part of my identity,
And a lot to work through, to unpack, sort, be accountable for my actions, words and thoughts, to move forward, forgive, and love myself through..
Bit By Bit,
I started to come back,
To my creative outlets,
That my dad loved so much about me,
That made me, well me..
I am re-emerging,
Totally Unfiltered,
Not a people pleaser anymore,
although my finger points at her,
Visualize if you will,
The finger that points at her,
Is also my middle finger,
Strung up with Dad’s spirit,
In accordance to my forward walk,
Telling her to fuck off and fuck you.
-
Best said, by ― Anne Lamott “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
-
Onwards and Upwards,
Here I am, Back to writing,
Creating, listening to only myself again, and some of what Dad said too..
Writing my own Legacy.
Leading from Spirit,
Forward, Thank you Dad,
For rekindling my heart and soul,
Back into my own skin.
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror2023
Those types of people don’t scare me anymore,
You do not threaten my peace or my drive anymore.
You never listened, cared enough to do anything outside of your comfort zones,
And there you shall stay..
I love myself more than enough to see through
That Bullshit, and I have faith I can get further in life,
Without YOU. I don’t need you anymore, the damage toll
Was enough. Thank you for helping me realize I can do better…
So I am, oh and I’m Back, stronger than you have ever witnessed!!
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror2023
(please forgive me for any typos)