Intimately released

“Blinders off, Transparency”
Epiphany, “Ask and Omg will you receive.”
So to better understand where I am,
I am gonna start with where this Epiphany,
Popped out of.
I was meditating,
Meanwhile between mantras,
I was asking the Universe,
For some guidance,
So these contrasts I have been challenged with,
Lately, I could better navigate through them,
Without being drained or dumping on anyone,
And just as I finished asking,
I remembered to do my mantra again…
So just as I asked,
It was set off, let go of,
No longer dwelling there.
I finished my meditation,
And decided to take a shower,
Soon after meditation,
while I was washing my hair,
Being careful to not get soap in my eyes,
Cuz I really don’t like that when it happens.
Something came to me,
I connected more expansions to what I asked,
Just ten minutes before, all came full circle….
-
Over the past two years, there have been many transitions,
Even up to this point right now, 
Having three kids coming into teenager-hood all around the same
Time all combines into the mix also going on with me.
I have been very troubled emotionally and quite mentally
Exhausted…
Two years ago, something emerged from within me,
A wound, a few actual wounds, 
Laid dormant within the numbing,
The coping suppression of survival instincts,
I had from bad childhood experiences,
Things that happened to me, at ages, 2, 3, 4,
Came flooding back... 
-
I was sexually abused as a child,
By my one or two of my uncles,
I had blacked out/numbed out much of it.
Only have remembered some, and went through many years
Of therapy for what had been remembered at those times.
So enough backstory, 
What I would like to share with you,
Is what led to right now.
Like I said two years ago,
These memories/flashbacks in full detail,
Imagery and connection was restored inside of me.
It was just after the rest of my immediate
Family began to meditate,
We began meditating together as a family,
Which is quite healing, and as meditation
To me is known for releasing stored stress.
I appreciate this reveal and this connection, of quite a few memories, I didn’t know I had still in me. 
Kind of jolting, realities, truths, experiences, 
With my now, better understanding,
Able to connect to these expansions,
Even though ever so painful to allow,
And actually let surface, only after a few months 
of our very powerful meditating “Together,” routine took place.
I was able to connect everything rather quickly,
Making sense of everything before that situation came to light,
Plus the ways  I handled it, projected it, and rebelled against it, through all areas and realms of expression these experiences held. 
As in my thinking, believing, wearing of clothes, 
Men I was drawn to, circle of friends I had, my behavior,
My whole way of life, interrupted and exploded,
During the disguises, of being blacked out, 
not remembering the source of all My dismay,
Now happily married, four kids later, 
The full flashback, vivid, raw, and at hand…
-
All of it came in quite fast, the connections I made,
Made total sense to me that it came out when I was ready for it….
-
I really am grateful that those memories came back then,
(2yrs ago) because I was able to utilize every tool, 
As an immediate resource for how I was to deal with this,
Responding wholeheartedly at my best to these discoveries.
My toolbox I utilized, was gathered from books I read, therapists I worked with, amazing Youtube resources, new friends I have now,
The vast internet at my fingertips, yes finally, I got this, I got this!
Big emotional talks with some of my outside of this home, family as this came to light, and of course hubby.
Connected to my sexual self, my spiritual self, my physical, emotional, verbal, mental selves all came full circle,
The intimacy issues at the core of me, no longer were left to be guessed, everything I needed explained, was right here...Finally!
-
There I was, feeling ever so free,
A huge weight lifted from this missing piece,
Coming back together, yet with this new power,
This new knowing, my subconscious went again into
This default mode, in the midst of breakthrough, 
without me totally realizing more than this, guess what?
-
Unconsciously,
Even though I steadily making progress,
Was in the wheels turning mode,
Subconsciously something else crept in…
In the high flying awesomeness,
Of all these connections,
I felt compelled to do and try new things,
For example;
Like cutting off all of my hair,
Because I wanted too.
Because I didn’t like people identifying me 
As the tall, hot blond, and because at that time,
I felt torn between that being the wrong attention,
And rediscovering who I am without my long hair…
I detached….
I felt like wearing baggy clothes, 
No more push up bra’s offering sex appeal,
No more fanfare to keeping appearances up,
And all that is attached to strings,
I cut myself from the "Puppetering" of society,
Of me conforming or seeing myself,
Any other way, but of my own...
I wanted to do something of my own,
I wanted to have my own, within my own
Control of experiences,
Something more that I could identify with,
that you don’t get to have,
When sick people sexually, or physically abuse you…
What I didn’t know,
Was while I was onboard of embracing all
That I was liberating myself from,
My subconscious was not onboard,
With my heart and soul…
-
There while all that was liberated,
I was also liberating different things,
While living my life, having friends move away,
Being more than really here for my life totally,
Somehow, 
My subconscious didn’t like all this change,
I didn’t allow more digging into myself,
As to rewire that part of me,
I just felt so freed from those flashbacks,
I didn’t stop or pause, or check my internal
Dialog….
-
So meanwhile moving forward,
I slipped into depression,
Self imposed shame filled depression,
Because in my experience the side effect,
Sexual abuse has revealed to me, is that of,
Concealing, as in covering up those sexual parts of me,
And for me that’s the way I dressed, spoke ever so openly about,
And it included my humor…
In liberating the connections I made,
I began to feel disgusted with myself,
For carrying on this way for so long,
Without seeing or sensing that is what was
Truly hiding beneath all my layers,
It wasn’t me defining me…
It had been my wounds defining me,
I stated to change all that I had previously
Identified myself with, or as,
Too much too fast, that I put myself,
In depression, shaming myself,
For not covering up,
For being open,
For wearing what I still love to wear,
For realizing my limits,
For pushing beyond my own boundaries for so long,
Betraying myself,
Every echo of someone else I believed and internalized,
Boy did my subconscious remind me,
Boy did these revelations backfire,
Boy did this process become quite difficult
To work through, silencing the echoes of relative
Nay-sayers, giving me I told you so’s, 
And remembering how they name called
Me slut for liking or being attracted
To anything they considered,
Was the reason for being raped, sexually abused...
Knowing what I know now, 
We all did our best with the tools we had at the time,
But I didn’t let me stop,
Being alive, trusting every piece of the process,
Loving and appreciating the beauty which bleed through,
while  getting through….
-
Back to the present moment,
The reveal while washing my hair,
Brought full circle,
How much I chose to carry,
Was mostly shame,
Self-imposing my depression,
Unable to keep up with all that kept
Emerging, flowing, some of it was easy to accept,
But a lot of it, I am still learning to accept,
So I can forgive. Healing looks to me now,
As depression, all that weight we have to sift,
Sort through, meanwhile living the daily grind,
Just insinuates just how imperative it is,
To let love take the lead..
How these discomforts arise, uncomfortably,
But takes us to newer more meaningful places,
I have been depressed for a little over two years,
And it took me to yesterday’s shower,
For me to realize, it was self-imposed,
Natural reactions over time,
To trauma, to digging into ourselves,
To love and heal, to accept and forgive,
And to truly live, moving in, through, 
To rise above, gets us through,
Discomfort, much like being depressed,
I am not dwelling on it, 
It's not consuming me,
Not in denial,
Just was completely oblivious,
Till now, to the resonance behind the curtain,
Called my subconscious,
Was again, after all this time,
In reverse while I wanted to move forward... 
There were many breadcrumbs,
Leaving a trail,
But it required me to come back down to earth,
To re-align, connect…
After something so simple,
After something so blown out,
After lashing out,
After we recognize what holds source,
Do we, 
However it came,
See, make sense of, release,
Expose, make mean,
Become aware,
Let go doesn’t always mean every is freed,
Come full circle,
Allow ourselves to change,
Definitions, rhymes, history,
Dialog, perspective, direction, 
Light, dark, conflict, contrasts,
Calm, adversity, cleansed,
Purged, buried, burden,
Layered, accepted,
Honored, owned, 
Forgiven, becomes
Beautiful,
We evolve, 
Uncomfortably,
Becomes our comfortable,
Our truth colorized,
Not scrutinized,
No more, for we are,
I am human,
Each of us,
Grow..
Asked from a place of love,
Of grace, of thanks,
And our divinity,
Brings us our humility,
Reigns holding our integrity,
All comes full circle,
Giving way, 
For us to hold its space long enough,
To let go,
And for new space,
Tended,
In the very act of owning,
So to the new we pave, create,
Receive…
Thank you Universe,
Thank you self,
I didn’t know I needed this
Transparency,
As much as I wanted,
I couldn’t have dreamed this blessing
To be the miracle that transports me,
Now, back here, living and learning,
Just so much better than ever before,
For now, now is all we have..
I will forever be committed 
To this journey, I am open and receptive,
To all this good within me,
And coming for me..
I will keep re-learning,
Not hold anything back,
So I become…
I will always be grateful,
Thank you!
I leave it open,
I am and will always,
See the beauty,
That comes from,
Shedding open.
No matter the transition,
Observation and truth,
There will always be learning,
There will always be discomfort,
In love, in truth, in living I will always be comforted,
That I don’t know everything,
Will not know everything,
And will not let that stop me from
Enjoying the unfurling of my life,
Now, then, forward…
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror
I re-engage back into my life,
Your presence dear Universe,
Always serves me so well!
Hey, self,
Thank you for always being here,
Never alone, always serving me so well,
Thank you, for investing in me,
I invest in you, unconditionally!
I am and always will be who I choose to be,
and no circumstance or outer person,
needs heard as much as my heart, my truths,
do... Life gives me so much,
it's up to me to figure out what matters,
I matter, and that is my plan of action,
I take now… 
I choose to overcome!
I am Beautiful!
I choose to overcome!
Blinders off,
here's to Transparency,
who I am,
Hell what That looks like to anyone else,
This is my life, my time to define,
mine to live up to, all ready, let's go!