11-14-2015

“Ten steps forward or Five steps back, I can love myself in Either direction.”
Change used to scare me,
being within the space of versatility,
meant I would have to adapt,
and honestly that was something I feared,
along with not knowing if I were to be rejected,
abandoned, a horrible mistake
or worst case scenario be replaced.
The Unknowns was not a place,
I thought I could ever embrace, or be okay with.
I was more comfortable with pasting a grin on,
and acting "fine."
Fine, I could deal with it, tolerate it,
because within me, I had a place of mysticism within my mind,
painted with joy, because my actual life did not have that,
it hugely lacked around me, through family,
through my friends. Plus I was hugely comfortable with being
cold to myself, because it was predictable,
and I didn't have to adapt.
Again, like the so many times we do in life,
I got sick and tired of, the stories I repainted in my head,
trying to convince myself this was the safe way to go.
Layering excuses, pissed off at the whole world, at myself.
I didn't realize then, I was causing more damage to myself staying that way.
I stepped back, I took a breath, almost didn't come out of my pause,
Walked to my bathroom, flipped the light switch on,
and there I was...
Looking at myself, in the eyes, looking at my mouth,
my cheeks, my nose, my colorless cheeks, the bags under my eyes,
and before I could go into the judgments of how I looked,
I felt a fire burn within me, I tried again to lie to myself
that this change is bad, that change is gonna screw me over,
big a mistake.
My facial expression in the mirror, including my eyes,
literally looked like I was dying, phrase by phrase,
I lost color, I lost sparkle, I went from firmly persuasive to
yup you guessed it, crying...
Crying but still lying to myself, blaming myself, my messed up family,
taking out a huge rant of irrelevant crap and dumping on myself, with very degrading, vulgar words...
Went from a Cry to a mumble, to this is not fine, what happened to me?
Why did I numb out? Why am I allowing this?
I can change, I do when I am with my friends, and I act differently with my parents, that's being versatile.
Why do I make things more complex than they really are?
I like change, it's fun, I have a whole wardrobe full of clothes, stuff, I change into. I change around my living-room all the time, and it feels different each time. I don't always shower at the same time every day, I don't only listen to one type of music, why do I resist this? I could use my imagination for creative solutions instead of using it for my hermit shell to stay stuck.
Why Not?
I am already adaptable, to people, things, my home, my food, the freaking weather!
Why not just get off my butt, and go with it? no more what if's!
I will just deal with that, when it pops up...
Versatility here I come, here I stay, changes sometimes still get the best of me, I hit some scary times, but I remind myself of what was, and all I could do then, I remind myself how well I can adapt with changes and that is what keeps me stepping forward too.
- What I learned from versatility:
Ten steps forward or Five steps back, I can love myself in Either direction.
Melissa Palmer © Evolving Mirror